Who's that girl????

It's a song by Madonna for those of you who don't recognize it...Yes, I am going to use a song title for every posting...There is a rhyme to my reason and a method to my madness, however you will not find it out today.

I had a good, long discussion last night with a friend. Discussion doesn't necessarily describe it, it was more of a series of questions, answers, thoughts and views shared between friends. It was good for me. I learned more about me last night, I really like it when this happens.

I've known that I struggle with identity issues. Most of these issues consist of me being insecure. When I think about it, I know who I am, but I am really afraid to let others know who I am. I am so afraid of rejection and being deemed unlovable, that I often feel the need to prove that I am lovable. What a ridiculous notion.

The fact of the matter is Jesus didn't die on the cross for me to sit here and worry that these jeans make me look fat or that people don't think I'm funny or any other silly idea I come up with that would be a reason for people to dislike me. He died that I may "Have life and have it to the full" [John 10:10], not be burdened by petty things of this world.

For those of you who don't know me that well, or have never heard "my story"...I've suffered from an eating disorder for 10 years now. It never goes away. It is a constant struggle and everyday battle. I've had my share of good times and bad times with it, but God has always been by my side. When I wake up in the morning, I need to ask myself, "Whom will I serve today? God or the Devil?" EVERY MORNING. I think about my weight constantly, I feel guilty when I eat, even worse when I snack....It is my greatest struggle. Not only does it cause me to be insecure and afraid in this world, it drags me far from Jesus. I despise the fact that a lot of "who I am" is wrapped up in how much I weigh or what size pants I'm wearing.

My best friend through highschool, Genevieve, had an eating disorder also. I thought mine was bad, hers was horrific. She was hospitalized constantly our jr. and sr. year and it torn my heart out. It drug her into the depths of depression and tested our friendship, but we stayed strong for each other, supported each other and loved one another. She got so small that I was afraid to hug her because she might break. She beat her problem, kicked it to the curb...not without many relapses however...Our sr. year of hs, she found this verse, that changed both of our lives and made us realize we had a problem...I've been avoiding this verse for a long time now:

18For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. 20But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body. [Phillipians 3:18-21]

My mind is on earthly things. I worry about what people think of me constantly. If I thought half as much about God during the day as I do about eating, I can't imagine how much stronger my relationship with Him would be. I want to be more like Jesus and be confident that my identity is found in one place and one place only--the Lord.

God, please help me to shed the ways of this world, the views of this world and my views of myself and others. Help me to be like You and see myself and others the way You see us--as Your beloved children, nothing more, nothing less.