Green Eyes...
Yeah, I know I have brown...That's not the point. I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I need to catch up on my rest, so I am using a sick day. Yet, I'm at my office at 12:04 AM, to use the internet to write down a series...a long series...of thoughts.
The song "Cowboy in Me" by Tim McGraw has been stuck in my head. Here are the lyrics: http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/mcgraw-tim/cowboy-in-me-7064.html
Read the lyrics before you read on....As I drove here I was sure that would be the title of my post. That's how I've felt lately...Like I just can't shrug "the cowboy in me". I gamble with my life, I act as though I have nothing to lose. I have selfishly taken what God has given me and frankly thrown it back in His face as to say, "It's not good enough." I've mentioned this before, but I struggle everyday. Everyday I fight to not hate myself. To be pleased when I look in the mirror. To win this stupid battle. I like to pretend it's all about looking thin. Granted, that may be a part of it...but tonight, someone challenged me to look deeper. Someone asked me to ask myself, "Why?"
There are a lot of answers to that question probably. Several deep reasons. This is the one I want to talk about tonight. Control. I struggle with control. It overflows into all areas of life. I'm good at my job because I have to be in control. In this chaotic world, whether I eat or not is one thing I can control. This control factor means I can decide what pant size I wear, I can cause people to worry if I don't eat, I can convince myself that I am disciplined. As I type these things down, I realize how stupid they are.
I think my other huge factor in this is that I have a fear of being unloveable. I'm adopted and have always known that I was adopted. However, when I turned 18 the harsh reality set in that in order for me to be adopted that meant someone gave me up. Someone didn't want me. They haven't found me. They abandoned me. They still aren't looking. They still don't love me, they still don't want me, they still aren't proud of me. Wow, reading that, do you think those things factor in to my current life? I'm starting to realize just how much they do.
I listened to a Christian song on the way over here tonight. Don't know who its by or the actual title of it...it got me thinking though. "Just to be with you..." It's a song that basically describes everything Jesus has done just to be near to us. Just to support and love and sacrifice and let us know that HE IS SO REAL. Then it just clicked. What does it matter? Am I going to continue to live my life so that I can be disappointed? Or so that I can feel abandoned? Bethany, open your eyes and realize that there is someone who gave up everything, His life, just to be with you. And He would do it all over again. That's the beauty of it. There's no end. There's no life cycle to His love. It is constant and whole and pure and comforting. In "Cowboy in Me" he says, "Girl I know there's times you must have thought, there ain't a line you've drawn I haven't crossed. But you set your mind to see this love on through, I guess that's just the cowboy in you." Change the word "girl" to "God" and it explains how I feel at this moment.
I have challenged Christ, I have ignored Christ, I have blatantly disobeyed Christ, but through it all He has shown me love. Someone said to me that I should stop seeing me in the mirror and start seeing Jesus. Yada yada...kinda went in one ear and out the other, 'cuz it's easier said than done. Then I walked down to my basement and was shutting off my lights. I walked past the mirror that I always try to avoid, reached out shut off the light, but immediately had to turn it back on. I had seen my reflection. It didn't look like me though, so I walked back to the mirror and looked and by golly it was me...but it was so different. I didn't necessarily see Jesus when I looked in the mirror...And I didn't see a young woman who's struggling either...I looked and tears came to my eyes...I began to weep...I saw someone who was loved. Whether I looked chubby or not, whether I was in control or not, it all just melted away and God revealed to me something that I had perhaps neglected a bit. I am strong and I am loved and it is all in Him that I am these things. I don't know how long I've been denying myself that simple comfort. Funny, today's scripture is Phil. 4:11-13. And yes, "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me."
Thank you Jesus.
No one may understand why I called this entry green eyes...that's ok too.
The song "Cowboy in Me" by Tim McGraw has been stuck in my head. Here are the lyrics: http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/mcgraw-tim/cowboy-in-me-7064.html
Read the lyrics before you read on....As I drove here I was sure that would be the title of my post. That's how I've felt lately...Like I just can't shrug "the cowboy in me". I gamble with my life, I act as though I have nothing to lose. I have selfishly taken what God has given me and frankly thrown it back in His face as to say, "It's not good enough." I've mentioned this before, but I struggle everyday. Everyday I fight to not hate myself. To be pleased when I look in the mirror. To win this stupid battle. I like to pretend it's all about looking thin. Granted, that may be a part of it...but tonight, someone challenged me to look deeper. Someone asked me to ask myself, "Why?"
There are a lot of answers to that question probably. Several deep reasons. This is the one I want to talk about tonight. Control. I struggle with control. It overflows into all areas of life. I'm good at my job because I have to be in control. In this chaotic world, whether I eat or not is one thing I can control. This control factor means I can decide what pant size I wear, I can cause people to worry if I don't eat, I can convince myself that I am disciplined. As I type these things down, I realize how stupid they are.
I think my other huge factor in this is that I have a fear of being unloveable. I'm adopted and have always known that I was adopted. However, when I turned 18 the harsh reality set in that in order for me to be adopted that meant someone gave me up. Someone didn't want me. They haven't found me. They abandoned me. They still aren't looking. They still don't love me, they still don't want me, they still aren't proud of me. Wow, reading that, do you think those things factor in to my current life? I'm starting to realize just how much they do.
I listened to a Christian song on the way over here tonight. Don't know who its by or the actual title of it...it got me thinking though. "Just to be with you..." It's a song that basically describes everything Jesus has done just to be near to us. Just to support and love and sacrifice and let us know that HE IS SO REAL. Then it just clicked. What does it matter? Am I going to continue to live my life so that I can be disappointed? Or so that I can feel abandoned? Bethany, open your eyes and realize that there is someone who gave up everything, His life, just to be with you. And He would do it all over again. That's the beauty of it. There's no end. There's no life cycle to His love. It is constant and whole and pure and comforting. In "Cowboy in Me" he says, "Girl I know there's times you must have thought, there ain't a line you've drawn I haven't crossed. But you set your mind to see this love on through, I guess that's just the cowboy in you." Change the word "girl" to "God" and it explains how I feel at this moment.
I have challenged Christ, I have ignored Christ, I have blatantly disobeyed Christ, but through it all He has shown me love. Someone said to me that I should stop seeing me in the mirror and start seeing Jesus. Yada yada...kinda went in one ear and out the other, 'cuz it's easier said than done. Then I walked down to my basement and was shutting off my lights. I walked past the mirror that I always try to avoid, reached out shut off the light, but immediately had to turn it back on. I had seen my reflection. It didn't look like me though, so I walked back to the mirror and looked and by golly it was me...but it was so different. I didn't necessarily see Jesus when I looked in the mirror...And I didn't see a young woman who's struggling either...I looked and tears came to my eyes...I began to weep...I saw someone who was loved. Whether I looked chubby or not, whether I was in control or not, it all just melted away and God revealed to me something that I had perhaps neglected a bit. I am strong and I am loved and it is all in Him that I am these things. I don't know how long I've been denying myself that simple comfort. Funny, today's scripture is Phil. 4:11-13. And yes, "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me."
Thank you Jesus.
No one may understand why I called this entry green eyes...that's ok too.
posted by Bethany at 5/11/2005 12:01:00 AM
2 Comments:
I love you Bethany!! You are an amazing woman who wows be always! You are so loved and dear to me, I thank God for having brought you into my my. Thanks you for your boldness, and your honesty. The Lord is doing amazing things in you as well as through you. You are an awesome friend. Thank you so much for being real and vulnerable. It takes great strength and trust to do that. Love you!! HOPE
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