The things I say...

Sometimes the words that come out of my mouth surprise even me. You know those times when things build up inside you and you bite your tongue--repeatedly--then suddenly WHOOSH all those bitten words come spewing out of your mouth? I had one of those times lastnight and I think it was good. It helped me to realize my train of thought a little bit.

Life's been getting me down lately. Well, it has and it hasn't. How do I explain this? Perhaps the wording would be more correct if I said, "I've been getting me down lately, the world has been inspiring me." Confused yet?

Satan has definitely been attacking my insecurities. Last night I broke down crying because I just feel so unhappy with myself. It's a horrible feeling. This is what came out of my mouth as I spoke with a dear friend about it, "And everyone says 'Bethany, if you truly believed and realized that God loves you just as you are, then you'd be okay with who you are too.' Well, I DO truly believe that God is happy with me just as I am, but I am not happy with me...I know that God will love me whether I weigh 100 pounds or 300 pounds...I am just NOT content with me. So where does that leave me!?" I was so angry! I am tired of everyone thinking they know the answer. Everyone pretending that they can understand my struggles. Everyone saying that I just need to believe God loves me a little more to be satisfied.

As I read Lampstand's (http://www.lampstand.blogspot.com) blog on failures, I am inspired. I don't think that Jesus is disgusted with me, I don't even think He is disappointed, I think He hurts for me when I hurt. I'm inspired by the way that Lampstand can say that even my feeble faith is enough for God. That God is well pleased with that. I like that he isn't saying, "Just rely on God a little more, just trust Him a little bit more..." No, rather he is saying exactly what I--and I believe so many others--needed to hear..."He is so pleased with what you can give to Him."

It's true you know...Our Father, in all His splendor, doesn't look at us and say, "Could you please just do a little more?" He looks at us warmly and fondly and with a smile on His face and a tear in His eye says yet again, "This is MY child, with whom I am well pleased."

Here's what I think will help me immensely through this day and the rest of the days of my life...As this is a continual struggle for me:

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my
power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

"For when I am weak, then I am strong." Say it out loud. Shout it...Whisper it...Pray it, it makes no difference how you say it...As long as you can say it. There was a time, when I wasn't able to admit my weaknesses. When I didn't talk openly about the fact that I struggle with an eating disorder, or that I'm not good at praying out loud, or that I am easily annoyed...I could go on listing my weakness, but I'll spare you for now. At any rate, the beauty is in the reality that once I could admit them to myself, then I began to admit them to God and slowly, but surely, He put it on my heart to admit them (share them) with others.

Now God hasn't put it on my heart to share my struggles in order to receive pity or comfort or anything like that...No, God has asked me to share my struggles for one reason and one reason only...To show HIS glory. To show that HIS JOY is going to be my strength. That HE is made perfect in my moments of weakness. For this opportunity, I am truly blessed.

That my friends is why I blog and why I have become open to the notion of sharing my stories with each of you. A friend said that he was surprised with my openness on this blog, I say, "So am I."

Dear Jesus, today I pray for my friends who will read this, I pray also for my friends who won't read this. Lord I lift up all Your people to you and ask that where there is a tear today, You would be there...Where there is a fear today, You are there too...Where there is hurt, anger, sadness, despair, frustration and loneliness...Lord BE THERE. I pray that as we experience weakness through these emotions and through other ways, that we would know that You are with us. I pray that in each teardrop, we would see a reflection of You. Father, today let YOUR joy be our strength. Help us to remember that 'Your grace is sufficient for us and that Your power is made perfect in our weakness.' Amen.