Faithful to me...

Faithful to Me: Jennifer Knapp: Lyrics:

All the chistles I've dulled carving idols of stone
That have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves.
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand just to watch,
them all wash away.
Through another day, another trial,
another chance to reconcile
To one who sees past all I see.
And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea.
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard,
searched aimlessly for a faith to be faithful to me.
Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To one who sees past all I see.
And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

This is my favorite "Christian Song" by far. It's accapella, no musical distractions, no back up singers, just a song to God and only God. It soothes my soul quite often. It reminds me that no matter how bad I mess up, how alone I feel, how utterly helpless I am...There is someone who will never leave me. Never.

I've been feeling really alone lately. Really alone. One night this week I was sitting on my floor crying out to God. Today I found myself laying on my bed doing the same. The weird thing is I think I've become numb. Numb to the world. I hate it. Today I layed on my bed for what seemed like an hour, curled up in the fetal position unable to move, blink, cry, sleep, anything...Paralyzed by pain and fear. Motionless I lay there.

Then I blinked. The tears began to flow and I began to talk to God. I was talking to Him outloud again, which is something new for me. I told Him that I couldn't handle things anymore. There were a couple relationships in particular that were on my heart, I said, "God, I need to just give this entirely to You, because frankly, I can't deal with it." I'd like to think God smiled when I did that. It was as though he was saying, "Yes, just give it all to me...All of it Bethany, I want it all." As I listened for more wisdom and just let God search my heart, I heard Him again, clear as day..."Stop running." "OK, I will," I reply.

Then I got up, put on shorts and went for a run/walk around the lake. I know what you're thinking...No...God didn't mean to literally stop running...He was asking me to stop running from Him, from those who care about me and from situations that I am afraid of. I've always done that. I run away. I get scared to let people in b/c so many of those people have walked away. Things get tough or messy and they can't handle it. Isn't it nice to know that God will never walk away? I think that's why I see Jesus so clearly in my close friends & family, I see Him b/c they have never once turned their backs on me. They face the music with me. They are my Jesus on earth.

I was listening to a CD as I ran. I have no idea where I got this CD...It was an interesting mix. Two of the songs spoke to me. One rap song, yes I believe Jesus can rap, anyway the lyrics were saying something to the notion of "would you still love me"...He was saying all kinds of things, like "if I worked at Burger King..." yada yada...It got me thinking though. I've been on this kick about loving the unloveable, but I wonder what happens when I become the one who is unloveable. I think this is the point I was at this week. I was overwhelmed by everything going on in my life. I shut down. I didn't like it, but I couldn't help it. I have become the unloveable. Kind of humbling in a way as I was feeling so great about my efforts to love the unloveable. The question roles through my mind, "Who will love me like this?" "How can anyone love me like this?" Now, I was asking this to God...Knowing full well that He will love me, but questioning those here on earth.

I didn't get a reply. I had stopped at the end of the little cook dock to ponder this, frustrated with the lack of an answer, I say, "Ok God, I'll just keep running until I hear something. Maybe at the next stop." Running...Nothing...Running...Stop...Still nothing. Geez. Then I start to run again and a song comes on. Remember, I have no idea where I got this CD, probably from my friend John. Now, I'm probably butchering these lyrics, but it said, "What I need is all you are COMPLETE." Wow. Thanks God. Not only did I feel His love upon me, but I realized that I needed to have this mindset. I will love in hopes of being loved...Loving people as they are, not as they ought to be. Knowing that I am truly loved by my One and Only Maker in the same way.

I know you're probably wondering if this post is over yet...It's not...I learned one other thing today that I'd like to share with you.

Towards the end of my run, I was telling Him about the hurt I see in the world. How it is tearing my heart to shreds. Everytime I see someone hurting it is literally like a little piece of my heart goes along with them. Imagine a piece of chicken. In order to eat it, you need to tear off shred upon shred...That's how my heart has felt lately. Whereas it isn't the best feeling in the world; I won't ask God to make it stop b/c as long as I have that ache for the hurt I see in our world, it means I can still feel. It means that I still have compassion for those souls. It means, I am capable of loving.

As I keep running, I told God I just needed to see Jesus right now. I mean, I needed something to counteract the pain. Run...Run...Run...3 ducks sleeping. Run...Run...Run...An elderly man enjoying an ice cream cone on his walk...Run...Run...Run...A toddler in a Cookie Monster shirt singing to no one at the top of his lungs...Run...An elderly woman who has set aside her walker, taken off her shoes and is sleeping on the grass (covering the edges of her sunglasses to keep out the bright light)...I saw Jesus in all these scenes. I saw him b/c I saw Joy. I felt Joy. He is Joy. My joyful Jesus. I'm going to post a picture that I've been admiring lately. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.