On Wants & Desires...

We live in a culture of "I wants." Amidst the t.v. commercials, billboards, shameless movie plugs and visually gripping store displays, it's hard to not think or say, "I want that..." Not only does the world of advertising suck us into the world of "I wants," but so does our human nature. We are envious, jealous creatures who compare ourselves with those around us. "I want a nice car like his." "I want her body." "I want to have that many friends." I want...I want...I want.

My challenge to myself lately has been to want less. You see, I really don't need anything. I have a bit of a shopping problem when it comes to clothes...I always seem to want clothes. It is bad, this clothes fetish, so bad that this year for lent, I gave up buying clothes. You may think it was easy for me, you are wrong. It was SO hard. You can't even go into Target or WalMart without having to pass by the clothes section. (I think they strategically place the women's clothes department in the front of the store.) Anyway, I always want clothes, but I don't need them.

I could make a list of wants, cds, books, concert tickets, etc. I could also make a list of needs, food, family, house, etc. Check out the difference between the two...pretty interesting eh? Then somewhere in between the two, or maybe not in between, maybe on a completely different playing field; lies the world of desires.

See I have a problem with people saying the word want...I don't think everyone stops to think of what that entails. For me a "want" is a short term thing. Something I feel I need now, but wouldn't actually need forever. When people ask me what I want I find it hard to answer them. Not often enough do I take the time to explain to them my viewpoint on the world of wants. I have several desires however.

Let me explain to you what I consider a desire to be.
Bethany's Definition of DESIRE:

A longing, an intense outreach for something; something that is etched into the heart and into the soul. Something that both you and God know will not leave your heart any time soon.

Here are some things I desire:

• I desire to have a family one day
• I desire to visit Mario in Honduras and hug him until he is blue in the face
• I desire to be more like Jesus
• I desire for people to see Jesus in me
• I desire to attend some kind of schooling in Australia
• I desire to work with youth on the streets, whether that be in Australia, Russia, the UK or the US
• I desire to love more deeply
• I desire to begin an art ministry (dancing, painting, singing, etc) for youth

These are just some of my deep rooted desires. Here is my latest and greatest desire: I DESIRE TO WANT LESS. I am going to try talking with Jesus more about my wants. When I think I want or need something in the store, I think I will attempt to ask Jesus for His opinion. I hope that this will decrease my wanting and increase my desires.

What are your wants and desires? Can you differentiate between the two?

You may be wondering where this train of thought came from...Well, I will share my logic with you. When I was in Chicago the other weekend, I was shopping with friends. We went into NM and skirts were $300 or more. A friend was saying, "I hope I have enough money to buy this stuff someday." Then, I just blurted it out, "I hope I never do. Because if I am spending $300 on a skirt, my priorities are messed up." I hope she didn't find me offensive.

I found myself slipping into the world of wants for awhile. Let me tell you where it landed me...Too many clothes to wear, costly credit card bills, stressed out and unsatisfied. I'm glad it was just a little trip I took to the world of wants, hopefully from now on I can enjoy my life in the world of desires.

Dear Jesus, help me to want less and to desire You more. Help me Lord to consult you first and the media never. Father, paint for me a clear line between the things I need and the things I want. Then Father, help my desires to increase and I would pray that my desires would bring glory to You. This is my prayer today and everyday. Amen.

Top Ten...

Let me share with you the top ten things I enjoy about the area I grew up in (Wadena, MN):
http://www.co.wadena.mn.us/

1. When you hit the "scan" button on the radio, almost every station is one of three types: Country, Christian or Oldies.
2. When people see you on the street, they don't just smile and keep walking. They stop, ask how you are and mean it.
3. You can go to Fresh Freeze and feed 3 people on $10 or less...And be full!
4. Kids still love to go to the RollerRink.
5. There is a lake or lakes 15 minutes in any direction.
6. Family Dinners.
7. Driving through fields.
8. Anytime you go "out" (which is basically going to 1of 12 bars) it's like a class reunion.
9. You know everyone's name...And they know yours.
10. Sitting around the bonfire.

LOVE

Or the lack there of...Let me tell you about my evening at church. We had a forum of sorts...We brought in religious leaders from four different religions, Muslim, Christian, Zen-Buddhist and Jewish. It was interesting.

Our worship leader started the evening by praying that the night would be about love. Amen brother. The leaders discussed their religions, views on suffering in their religions, circumstancial events, etc. It was really good to hear all these views. I appreciate hearing the thoughts of others because it causes me to question myself and perhaps affirm my own beliefs.

The end of the night was an open question series. A series which should have been great...A portion of the night that COULD have been great. It could have been about embracing different views, cultures, religions...APPRECIATING those. Instead, some members of the audience chose to turn it into an attack session.

One person questioned why the Muslim man would believe a different version of the story of Job. Then another man asked the Rabbi why she doesn't accept Jesus as her savior. We were supposed to be engaged in a series about suffering and embracing the way other religions deal with suffering, advice they would give, etc. It was meant to be an evening of love. Instead we showed distaste by attacking the views of others.

Here's what I don't get. WHY can't we be satisfied? Why must we always cross the line? Why can we not "ecourage one another and build each other up" as it says in Thes.? Why must we always feel the need to attack or defend rather than welcome? Why couldn't these people say, "Thank you for sharing your opinion" rather than saying, "Here's MY opinion, let me question yours"? It's sad. It's disheartening.

I'm not perfect by any means...I falter just as much as the next person...I get worked up by something someone says and I feel the need to defend or attack...I don't think this is what Jesus would have us to however. I think He says, "Love one another." As we should. As I should. Indeed love is all it says in Corinthians, "patient, kind, not envious, not boastful..." I wish I was better at loving. How do you think we get better at loving?

My mom always says, "Kill 'em with kindness...You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar..." This may be the only time you hear me say this, but, my mom is right.

My heart hurts that of all the places I would witness this dispute, this "anger", this "anti-love" it would be in the church. It was handled well...The leaders were able to find humor in it and let it roll off their shoulders, but at the same time, I can't help but wish it wouldn't have happened.

Fear Factor

Random thought: I mixed 2 different kinds of OJ in my protein shake this morning...And I like it!

Fear. Webster's Dictionary defines it like this (their emphasis, not mine):

Fear:
1 a : an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger b (1) : an instance of this emotion (2) : a state marked by this emotion2 : anxious concern : SOLICITUDE3 : profound reverence and awe especially toward God4 : reason for alarm : DANGER

Fearless:
: free from fear : BRAVE

Interesting how you have to know the definition of fear in order to understand what it means to be "fearless" isn't it? Also interesting that God is acknowledged in the definition. Stick with me on this...

My friend Kaija is fearless. Seriously, she is amazing. I mean, she's probably got a few fears rolling around in her somewhere, I think they are selfless fears however...Things like something happening to a friend or family.

So, we were in a parking ramp yesterday. Kaija was behind me as we exited and I was behind a Saturn. We sat behind the Saturn for at least 5 minutes. The woman in the booth was filling out paperwork, taking down the license plate number, taking her time...The woman in the car seemed annoyed...but clearly had no money to pay for parking...Thus no reason to be annoyed because it was her own fault. As I sit there, patiently annoyed...Kaija begins honking her horn. Then I hear her yell out the window, "What's going on?" As time progresses and after a pleasant cell phone conversation between two very annoyed friends, I again hear Kaija honking..."I'll pay for her parking!!!" Oh my sweet Kaija. Eventually we got out of the ramp, it felt like getting out of jail!

Here's where I'm going with this. Kaija has no fear in the way that she isn't afraid to say what she thinks, stand up for what she believes in and basically share her opinion with the world. Whereas she can come off as over-bearing and maybe even a little scary, she has a kind heart, anyone can see that. I admire Kaija.

It got me thinking...What if I was fearless? What if all followers of Jesus were fearless? What if we had no hesitations about doing what Jesus would want us to do, no hesitations about sharing our faith, no worries of being offensive, none. I've seen fearless followers, my friend Obang is one. It's the desire of my heart to become a fearless follower of Jesus. Is it yours?

Ephesians 6:19,20
19Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words
may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

I put myself into chains. Thinking that I don't want to offend others, make them uncomfortable, upset them...Then I stop and think...I stop and remember...Jesus made a lot of people uncomfortable...So maybe I should stop worrying about it. Maybe it's time I became a little more fearless.

Father, let the prayer above be my daily prayer. Help me to be fearless for You, but to not simply be fearless in my words, but also in my deeds. Help me to be fearless in my display of love. Lord this is not only my prayer for me, but for everyone. Amen.

Angry...

Sorry, no song lyrics today. Just didn't think of one...Or maybe it's because I haven't had the chance to listen to any music today. You see, I was in a six hour meeting. SO FUN! (sarcasm)

At any rate, read the verse on the side today...It got me thinking. Matthew 5:44-48. Pray for and love your enemies. This has truly been on my heart lately. I don't think enough people live it out fully. I don't think I live it out fully either. I think we fight fire with fire. I think we, mankind, breed anger. Of this I am not a fan.

Anger is a difficult emotion for me. Let me share a story with you. When I was a sophomore in HS I was dating a guy named Morgan. Morgan had a twin brother, Keith. I don't remember what we got into a fight about or anything that was said except these words that spewed out of my mouth, "Keith is definitely the nice twin!" I was pissed to say the least. I used to get mad VERY easily and I was not afraid to show it.

The next day we had a game in a town about 30 minutes away (I was a cheerleader: surprise surprise). Well, I knew Morgan was supposed to be at the game. I waited and waited, he never showed up. Again I was mad, he lied to me...Grrr...Then a classmate showed up and shared some news with me. Morgan and a friend had gotten into a bad car accident and he was in the hospital. WHAM! Hit me like a ton of bricks. Had those been the last words I said to him? Had I really gotten angry over such trivial stuff? What if Morgan isn't ok? Will he forgive me? Fear. Stress. Sadness. Embarassment. All these emotions and more came flying my way.

I got home and called Morgan's house. His "dad" (Morgan didn't live with his family) answered and told me that yes, Morgan was home and he'd be okay, but he had flown through a windshield. Wow. Thank you God. That night I prayed, I prayed that I wouldn't have such an angry heart anymore. I haven't really had one since...God is THAT powerful. I apologized to Morgan, he forgave me...It was great.

Here's what I face now. I never want to be angry at people...I will openly say, "I'm upset" or "I'm frustrated", but rarely will I say, "I'm angry." So when I do get angry, I don't know how to handle it. A lot of people yell, or badmouth, or smart off...I become silent and when I do start to speak, I usually start crying. I'm sitting here trying to figure out why I start crying when I'm angry, I think it's because it hurts me so bad to possess that emotion--it hurts because I know what a horribly powerful emotion it is.

The strange part is, I think since that situation with Morgan...I've probably gotten angry at God more than I have gotten angry at people on earth. I think most often I get angry when bad things happen. You probably weren't expecting me to say I get angry with God, strange thought, I know. I've been honest with God about it though...Offered it to Him...And to my utter amazement, He's taken it. Everytime. All of it. I always tell people, "When I'm angry, you'll know." It's true. I'm not afraid to express it because I never want to leave the anger there. I don't want others to see anger in me. I want to be able to leave this world with things resolved, peaceful, ammended.

What got me thinking about this today is a friend of mine at work. She always gets REALLY mad at our boss and will smart off, cuss, shuffle her papers, do anything and everything to let everyone know she is mad. She'll even use words like "hate" when discussing the situation. I "hate" that she uses "hate" so loosely. I used to get really mad at our boss too...Just pissed...Act very similar to the way she did. Then a friend said, "Have you prayed for your boss?" My reaction, "NO! I wouldn't know what to pray for!" Her reply? "It doesn't matter, let God take care of that."

So I started. "God, I pray for Cindy, even though I don't know what to pray." Eventually the prayers got a little more detailed, but not very...Sometimes it's ok to be vague in prayer, since the Big Guy knows what He's doing anyway. Slowly the anger left, my heart softened and I wasn't unbearable at the workplace anymore. I could confront her on things and carry on a work relationship. Granted she still frustrated and annoyed me more than most, but I wasn't angry towards her.

That's what I love about God. There's always some sort of answer there, we just need to be hit on the side of the head to realize it. He makes things simple, He CAN create a new heart within us, a heart that doesn't posses anger.

I have a prayer list. A bunch of recipe cards that I taped up under my vanity mirror. So when I'm blow drying my hair, putting on make-up or even sitting on the toilet...I can remember people I need to pray for. When I made the list, there was a little battle in me..."I don't want to pray for them, they've wronged me..." Tug...Tug...Tug...Yep, you guessed it...There was God, pulling on my heart, saying, "Bethany, just give that person to Me, I'll take care of them." Ok...I mean, afterall, "God knows best!" Now I have ex-best friends, ex-boyfriends, co-workers and all sorts of random people on my prayer list. I love it.

The other day a friend was over and saw it, he said, "Wow, you pray for a lot of people." My reply, "That's funny...Because I was just thinking, 'I don't pray for enough!'"

Lord help me to pray for my persecutors. Help me to pray for those that I really don't want to pray for. Soften my heart and humble my soul. Help me to never be satisfied with the amount of people I am praying for, but to always remember I can pray for more. Help me to be slow to anger and rich in love. Thank You for your love. Amen.

Joyful Joyful...

Sister Act 2: Lyrics: http://www.ohhla.com/anonymous/lauryn/rm_bside/joyful.fge.txt

Yep, I had nothing to say earlier, but as usual...God just wanted me to wait to hear what He would put on my heart. Here it is. I need to expand my horizons.

Sometimes I get really scared to step outside my comfort zone. I know He's calling me to do it though. Here are some things He's having me do...I haven't been to my camp in about 4 years. Yesterday I signed up to go on the young adults retreat in August. I'm inviting anyone and everyone to join me (visit http://www.ipoint.org/42.53.0.0.1.0.phtml), but I signed up alone. Kind of out of my comfort zone.

I need to go to more diverse churches. I think I'm going to go to Sanctuary (visit: http://www.sanctuarycovenant.org/aboutus/index.html) as soon as I get the chance. I always love hearing Efrem speak, but I never take the initiative to go to him, to his church.

When I was at Bethel I think I was lucky. Bethel is probably 96% white. I somehow managed to make friends with most of my classmates that weren't white. (Read 101 things, they probably didn't know I was white! J/K). At anyrate, it was such a blessing to me, I experienced so many other cultures and traditions and really had an opportunity to see God from a different, non-traditional light. My friends Obang, Kundai & Munya brought so much joy to my life. They showed me a new Jesus.

Somewhere along the line I lost that desire. I got so into my comfort zone that I quit going to new things. I quit trying new ministries. I'm not out of my community enough anymore. God's calling me to do that though...Step outside...I'm very excited about this.

Micah 4:2:
Many nations will come and say, "Come, let us go up to
the mountain of the LORD, to the house of the God of Jacob. He will teach us his
ways, so that we may walk in his paths."

Many nations, Africa, America, many peoples, men, women, children, rich, poor, black, white, brown, yellow...We will ALL praise the Lord! Isn't that exciting? Why would I ever want to confine myself to being content worshiping with only those who are similar to me? Only the worship services I am accustomed to?

It was funny at Bethel...To see those who could embrace another culture, another color, a difference...And to see those who never strayed outside where they were comfortable. It was also interesting that the only way some people could embrace those unlike them was to befriend me (someone similar) and through that befriend Kundai. I just think Jesus is SO bigger than that. I feel like God's finger is poking each of us on the back, saying, "Go...walk a little further...see how far my kingdom spills..." Will you walk or stay there being poked? I'm going to walk.

You and Me

Lifehouse: Lyrics: http://www.smartlyrics.com/Song522226-LIFEHOUSE-You-And-Me-lyrics.aspx

This song has nothing to do with what I'm going to write. It's just been on my heart, I really love it.

I have nothing today. Take joy in the small things. That's what I'm thinking about today. That is my prayer for you today my friends.

41 Things about ME...

After reading Monica's blog about herself, I'm inspired to do one of my own...41 is my favorite number, I don't know if I could reach 100, so I thought I'd start out there....It may go past that though.

1. My middle name is Jo & I love it.
2. My name was "Jennifer" for two months.
3. I received that name from my foster mom, whom I've never met and probably never will
4. Steve & Linda Babcock are my "adoptive" parents, but I consider them my "real" parents
5. I desperately want to find my birth mom
6. I have a biological uncle who was born the same year as me
7. I don't like cats, plus I'm allergic to them
8. I love dogs
9. My dog's name is Tiny Bubbles & she's great
10. I love the outdoors
11. I feel the closest to God when I am outdoors, usually near water
12. I attended Inspiration Point Bible Camp throughout Jr. High & Highschool & it changed my life
13. I would give almost anything to be able to go back and spend more time with my Grandma
14. I am an only child
15. My father is an only child
16. My mother has 7 siblings, but they can't seem to get along, I wish they would b/c then I would feel like I actually have a family
17. People always ask me if I am Native American or part Hispanic....According to my papers though, I'm 100% German
18. I LOVE to dance
19. I hate it when people talk about my dancing
20. People can tell what mood I'm in by what I play on the piano & how hard I pound on the keys
21. My favorite movie is Hope Floats
22. I have a tattoo of a heart with a cross on my foot, with the verse, "James 1:2-3". A biker man named Wolfie from St. Louis gave it to me
23. The tattoo reminds me of my friends Ben & Sara
24. My mom paid for my tattoo & my aunt Myrna is ashamed of me for it
25. I want another tattoo, just don't know where yet
26. I've had an eating disorder for 10 years now
27. I should've died probably, but God has kept me around
28. The most influential person in my life was my friend Janet Anderson
29. I am stubborn as hell
30. It is a downfall of mine, as is my pride
31. I love to fish
32. I could spend days laying in the sun, not speaking with anyone, and be completely satisfied
33. I don't talk about things as much as I should
34. My biggest fear is becoming fat
35. It's a pathetic fear
36. Of the people I've encountered, relied on and trusted, the majority of them who have turned their backs on me were Christians
37. I have a fear of trusting people, especially Christians
38. I attended Bethel College and received a degree in Communications with a minor in P.E.
39. I love sports...GO TWINS
40. My heart hurts for the poor, the lonely, the unwanted and many more. It also hurts for the rich, the prideful and the unsatisfied
41. I let Jesus in my heart when I was in 10th grade
42. I shut Him out my senior year of Highschool
43. Let him back in Sophomore year of college
44. I struggle each day with remembering that it is HE whom I shall serve
45. I work with the youth at church, I'm a Site Director
46. The students and the leaders are enormous blessings to me
47. I feel judged at church more than I do other places
48. I don't know why I feel that way
49. I love North Central MN
50. I grew up in a town of 4,000 people
51. I wouldn't have had it any other way
52. My parents own a DQ
53. I love my parents, but it's hard for me
54. I've had 2 surgeries
55. I don't come out of anesthesia well
56. I love Arkansas
57. I have a zebra fetish
58. I work for the March of Dimes
59. I've experienced a lot of death in my life
60. I don't grieve well
61. I hate and love exercising
62. Jesus is my savior
63. Supposedly Bethany means "House of God" and Proverbs 3:5 is my verse
64. I don't know if I represent the name Bethany well enough
65. I have everything I need
66. It is my desire to want less
67. My role on this earth is to Serve God
68. I strive to be more like Jesus
69. I wonder if I bring people joy
70. I hope I do
71. I love Jack Daniels Whiskey
72. I never drank a drop until a month after I turned 21
73. I have never smoked anything
74. My first kiss was on my HS graduation night, it was a dare from my friends
75. My first "real kiss" was Jake Lund about a month later
76. I don't regret my years spent with Jake or Jayme because I learned a lot from them
77. I wish I wasn't so insecure
78. I wish I read the Bible more
79. My first love was Jayme Earl George...Thought we'd get married...Can you imagine? "Hi my name is Bethany George?"
80. 7 of my 8 roommates are married or will be w/i the next couple months
81. My wrists haven't grown since I was about 7
82. My favorite place in the world is at IPBC (Inspiration Point Bible Camp)
83. I've met a lot of "famous people"...They really aren't any different from anyone else
84. I love pictures
85. I want to have kids and a family someday
86. Only if it is God's will however
87. My job is stressful
88. I love country music, but I really love ALL music
89. I play in a summer and a fall softball league
90. I want to acquire more discernment
91. I have 3 close girlfriends from home, Missy, Moon & Sammi...We've been through everything together and I am so thankful for them
92. I dressed up like Daisy Duke on Saturday
93. I want a house with a wrap-around porch someday
94. I believe that time and Jesus can heal all wounds
95. Sometimes I wonder if I am overly sensitive
96. I don't think I'm beautiful, but God does
97. I have 3 favorite songs: The Cowboy in Me, Canon in D and On My Knees
98. I sponsor two children: Mario in Honduras and Johana in El Salvador
99. They bring me joy
100. I love to show my love, but can rarely verablize it
101. It is not my desire to find how I can get more of the Spirit, but rather to search how the Spirit can get more of me.

Well what do ya know? I guess I just flew past 41 eh?

Get together...

The Youngbloods: Lyrics: http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/forrestgump/letsgettogether.htm

I think about this song a lot at work. "C'mon people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together try to love one another right now." Yes, that probably is a run-on sentence and no I don't care that it is.

I'm reading "Come Thirsty" by Max Lucado. Last night as I was reading a verse he used struck me like a ton of bricks. 1 Corinthians 15:10, "But by the grace of God I am what I am." Wow. I am what I am, you are what you are...Let's love that about each other.

Here in my office, people can be caddy. A lot of people hold a lot of grudges and walk around with chips on their shoulders. It's sad really. For awhile I fell into that trap. I'm glad I found my way out. I hate the tension that is here and the way we don't value or appreciate each other. It makes my heart sad.

I look at the world, our society and I see a lot of the same things. We don't value each other for our differences. Instead we feel the need to point those out, to make those a barrier, we use them to divide us rather than to bring us together. My heart is heavy at this thought.

I completely believe in what the Bible teaches. That we need to call each other on things, we need to hold each other accountable, but how far does that go? I once had a friend tell me that I needed to work on changing my voice (it's kind of nasaly I guess). He said I should change it because people who don't like my voice would be turned away from Christianity. Well, you can imagine how well that went over. God gave me this voice and I'm going to use it. "By the grace of God I am what I am." If I would've known that verse at that time, that would have been my reply.

Here's the other part of this that I struggle with. I take EVERYTHING to heart. I have an amazing memory which is both a blessing and a curse. So, when I do something to hurt someone or upset them, I can't forget about it. It eats away at me. When someone gives me constructive criticism, it sticks with me also. I have a skewed image of constructive criticism...Call it friendly advice, holding each other accountable, call it what you want...I don't deal with it well. I assume that it means I am flawed. It means this person has evaluated me and found this flaw. It eats away at my soul.

My friend Shannon pointed out lastnight that I don't deal well with this because I've always felt I had to defend myself. I dated a guy on/off for 4 years who would point out every flaw I had. He would yell at me and more...He just wasn't very nice. He was quick to list my faults and even add in some new ones that he would find as the years went by. I became an enemy of criticism. At college, I was always having to defend my beliefs. So many people there judged me by what I did, rather than by who I am or who I follow. I think it left some scars. How does one get past that? How do I realize that it is through love that I am being confronted and it isn't a bad thing? Well, that's what I'm still working on. I think it's going to take a lot of prayer.

Back to my original thought...How great would it be if--even for one day--all the people in the world would sing this song. We heard no put-downs, no arguements, no hate, no sadness, no anger or rage or judgements....For one day, we see no differences. Instead we hear, "C'mon people now, smile on your brother. Everybody get together, try to love one another right now."

I think it would be amazing.

Dear Jesus, thank you for creating us as individuals. Help me as I go through my day to recognize differences and to embrace them. To love those I meet, those I encounter and those who cross my mind as You would love them. To realize that I am not worthy of the love I receive, yet I am so blessed to receive it and the best I can do with that love is to share it with others. I pray for a softer heart today and everyday. Amen.

Ah, My Joyful Jesus

Faithful to me...

Faithful to Me: Jennifer Knapp: Lyrics:

All the chistles I've dulled carving idols of stone
That have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves.
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand just to watch,
them all wash away.
Through another day, another trial,
another chance to reconcile
To one who sees past all I see.
And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea.
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard,
searched aimlessly for a faith to be faithful to me.
Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To one who sees past all I see.
And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

This is my favorite "Christian Song" by far. It's accapella, no musical distractions, no back up singers, just a song to God and only God. It soothes my soul quite often. It reminds me that no matter how bad I mess up, how alone I feel, how utterly helpless I am...There is someone who will never leave me. Never.

I've been feeling really alone lately. Really alone. One night this week I was sitting on my floor crying out to God. Today I found myself laying on my bed doing the same. The weird thing is I think I've become numb. Numb to the world. I hate it. Today I layed on my bed for what seemed like an hour, curled up in the fetal position unable to move, blink, cry, sleep, anything...Paralyzed by pain and fear. Motionless I lay there.

Then I blinked. The tears began to flow and I began to talk to God. I was talking to Him outloud again, which is something new for me. I told Him that I couldn't handle things anymore. There were a couple relationships in particular that were on my heart, I said, "God, I need to just give this entirely to You, because frankly, I can't deal with it." I'd like to think God smiled when I did that. It was as though he was saying, "Yes, just give it all to me...All of it Bethany, I want it all." As I listened for more wisdom and just let God search my heart, I heard Him again, clear as day..."Stop running." "OK, I will," I reply.

Then I got up, put on shorts and went for a run/walk around the lake. I know what you're thinking...No...God didn't mean to literally stop running...He was asking me to stop running from Him, from those who care about me and from situations that I am afraid of. I've always done that. I run away. I get scared to let people in b/c so many of those people have walked away. Things get tough or messy and they can't handle it. Isn't it nice to know that God will never walk away? I think that's why I see Jesus so clearly in my close friends & family, I see Him b/c they have never once turned their backs on me. They face the music with me. They are my Jesus on earth.

I was listening to a CD as I ran. I have no idea where I got this CD...It was an interesting mix. Two of the songs spoke to me. One rap song, yes I believe Jesus can rap, anyway the lyrics were saying something to the notion of "would you still love me"...He was saying all kinds of things, like "if I worked at Burger King..." yada yada...It got me thinking though. I've been on this kick about loving the unloveable, but I wonder what happens when I become the one who is unloveable. I think this is the point I was at this week. I was overwhelmed by everything going on in my life. I shut down. I didn't like it, but I couldn't help it. I have become the unloveable. Kind of humbling in a way as I was feeling so great about my efforts to love the unloveable. The question roles through my mind, "Who will love me like this?" "How can anyone love me like this?" Now, I was asking this to God...Knowing full well that He will love me, but questioning those here on earth.

I didn't get a reply. I had stopped at the end of the little cook dock to ponder this, frustrated with the lack of an answer, I say, "Ok God, I'll just keep running until I hear something. Maybe at the next stop." Running...Nothing...Running...Stop...Still nothing. Geez. Then I start to run again and a song comes on. Remember, I have no idea where I got this CD, probably from my friend John. Now, I'm probably butchering these lyrics, but it said, "What I need is all you are COMPLETE." Wow. Thanks God. Not only did I feel His love upon me, but I realized that I needed to have this mindset. I will love in hopes of being loved...Loving people as they are, not as they ought to be. Knowing that I am truly loved by my One and Only Maker in the same way.

I know you're probably wondering if this post is over yet...It's not...I learned one other thing today that I'd like to share with you.

Towards the end of my run, I was telling Him about the hurt I see in the world. How it is tearing my heart to shreds. Everytime I see someone hurting it is literally like a little piece of my heart goes along with them. Imagine a piece of chicken. In order to eat it, you need to tear off shred upon shred...That's how my heart has felt lately. Whereas it isn't the best feeling in the world; I won't ask God to make it stop b/c as long as I have that ache for the hurt I see in our world, it means I can still feel. It means that I still have compassion for those souls. It means, I am capable of loving.

As I keep running, I told God I just needed to see Jesus right now. I mean, I needed something to counteract the pain. Run...Run...Run...3 ducks sleeping. Run...Run...Run...An elderly man enjoying an ice cream cone on his walk...Run...Run...Run...A toddler in a Cookie Monster shirt singing to no one at the top of his lungs...Run...An elderly woman who has set aside her walker, taken off her shoes and is sleeping on the grass (covering the edges of her sunglasses to keep out the bright light)...I saw Jesus in all these scenes. I saw him b/c I saw Joy. I felt Joy. He is Joy. My joyful Jesus. I'm going to post a picture that I've been admiring lately. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

To Make You Feel My Love...

"Dancing is a conversation between two people...Talk to me."
[Harry Connick Jr., Hope Floats]

Garth Brooks: Lyrics: http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/hopefloats/tomakeyoufeelmylove.htm

I would suggest reading the lyrics, when you read them, imagine it is God, not Garth singing to you....Go ahead, do it....

Amazing huh? What wouldn't our God do to be a little nearer to us? He is amazing, remarkable and uncontainable. He loves us as we are and not as we ought to be. Yep, I still got that in my head. ;)

Lastnight was a rough night to say the least. I had a pretty bad anxiety attack. It was just too much at once. People moving, people depressed, I was unhappy with my appearance, stress, work, life, everything...It just seemed a bit overwhelming to me lastnight and the worst was that I felt helpless. I can do nothing to make these people that are suffering better. I can offer few words of wisdom, few things I say will comfort them and I definitely cannot tell them what will happen or what to do. I can however pray for them. That is a bit of comfort in itself.

I'm really good at praying for others...I like to do that. In all honesty however, I kind of suck at praying for myself. I feel a little selfish when I do, I also feel weak and out of control, I feel like a bit of a failure or a let-down to the Lord. Silly I know, but sometimes, it's just true.

So there I sat. Alone. Curled up on my kitchen floor between the fridge and the oven, just crying. Not nice simple tears, but shoulder-shrugging, breath gasping, my eyes will be swollen in the morning tears. No one was home to console me. I didn't want to call anyone and upset them. What was I supposed to do?

Now I should also tell you that I'd already taken my anxiety pill, so that option was out. I should also tell you that I do not like to pray out loud. I get very nervous about it...I don't even do it when I'm alone...It is usually only at my church meetings that folks will hear me utter my prayers aloud. Something someone said has been on my heart lately though--he said it in reply to my confession that I don't really talk to God about my eating disorder--here's what was said, "Do you find it interesting that you won't talk about your problem to the one person who can help you?" Yes. Yes I do find it interesting. That conversation just kept running through my mind as I sat there last night...Then it happened.

"God, I know I don't usually talk to you about this, but I'm not going to be able to get through this by myself...So, I could really use some help here." The words just kept coming and I was just laying it all out on the table for God to listen to. My soul needed to be calmed...As I've said before, I'm musically orientated. This soft, sweet song comes into my head..."Honey you are a rock..." Green Eyes, by Coldplay. I begin to relax...I begin to pray...Ah, God is good. It was so releasing to be so utterly honest with the Lord. If I could give you one piece of advice today, it would be to tell God what is REALLY on your heart, He already knows it anyway.

Started reading yet another book lastnight...Yes, we are at 5 now...Yes, I have readers ADD. Anyway, it's a tiny, short little book called, "Give It All to Him" by Max Lucado. If anyone wants to borrow it, I'll send it to ya...It'll only take you an hour max to read. He said two things about God that hit me, that are still hitting me...He KNOWS your burden...He WANTS your burden....So just frickin' give it to Him--OK? [I added that last part myself]

This blog is dedicated to my thoughts on my journey towards my dance with Jesus. The quote at the top is from my favorite movie...The more I think about it though, I'm pretty sure that I've heard Jesus saying it to me for quite some time now. :)

Dear Jesus, thank you. Thank you for nagging at my heart until it finally opened up. Thank you for trials in life because they allow me to see just how beautiful and faithful you truly are. Thank you for our conversations...Let there be many more. Amen.

PRAYER REQUEST

Hi. As I was about to type what God put on my heart lastnight, this prayer request completely over-ruled it. I sit here in my office, heart heavy, mind scattered, tears in my eyes and numb.

My friend Missy called me this morning. A family friend, a classmate's dad, a really good guy...Passed away lastnight. Pete Resch was an amazing man. We all knew him b/c we were friends with Justin, b/c he was active in our church, b/c he was an officer and ran the DARE program when we were in 5th grade.

Lastnight, he was called over for a domestic dispute and had a heart attack while on duty. Let me tell you, none of us expected this, he was in his late 40's. Here's the worst part, he has 3 kids. His youngest daughter, Jenna (who is my unofficial sister b/c we all swapped in 7th grade), graduates from HS next week. Her open house is tomorrow.

If you are reading this, please pray for the Resch family. Pray that God would comfort them and wrap His loving arms around them through this time of trial. Pray also for Jenna, who has a dark cloud of sadness amongst this time that is supposed to be joyful. Pray for his other two children, Sarah and Justin, who both just had children of their own. Grandchildren that won't get to know their Grandpa Pete, but will hear stories of what a great guy he was.

"Consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance." James 1:2-3

Strong Enough

Sheryl Crow: Lyrics: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/sheryl-crow/124156.html

One of my favorite songs. I sing it to God a lot. Not necessarily to question Him, not to challenge Him either, but more so just to be honest with Him. I think He appreciates my honesty.

There have been several times where I am at my breaking point. Crying out for God to help me. However, there have also been many times where I am broken and doing everything possible to keep God out. I don't like those times so much. I think these lyrics are perfect for describing those times. Except God never needs to lie to me. That's the beauty of it all.

Friends, family, doctors, everyone lie to you...Not necessarily in a bad way, but it happens. Human nature makes us want to be in control. Human nature makes us want to have answers. Human nature makes us "fixers". Human nature needs a makeover.

Greg Boyd spoke at UR awhile back. What I love about Greg Boyd is that he told everyone in that room that it is okay to say, "I don't know." "I don't know, but God does." "I don't know what God has planned, but He is in every situation." "I don't know." Say it out loud, kind of refreshing and releasing isn't it?

Our intense desire to want to support and care for those we love, makes this a very difficult thing for us to do. It makes us take a step into the realm of the unknown, unpredictable and perhaps even the realm of chaos. It makes us do two of the most difficult things for humans...Believe and Trust.

We must believe that He is capable of being strong enough and powerful enough to rip us out of the driver seat and say, "Let me show you how it's done." We must believe that God is bigger than any image, any idea, any notion of what we have thought Him to be until this point. We must believe the unbelievable.

Second we have to trust. Oooh, now this is very difficult for many of us. It is saying, "Okay God, you're in the driver's seat," but then not wearing your seatbelt, turning on the airbag or using the windshield wipers. It is a blind and scary commitment to let Him lead you wherever He sees fit. Not a "God, I really want to do this...." Not a "God, I'd serve you better if..." Not a "God, I think I should..." NO. It is a "Lord, lead me." A walk out on the water-there's no turning back now-I can't believe I'm doing this--"I TRUST YOU GOD."

See that?...You didn't sink into the depths of the deep blue...You are tiptoeing across that beautiful blue water with your Savior right next to you. He's not in front or behind...Right next to you, holding your hand. Granted, He's probably chuckling at the fact that you are walking on your tiptoes, but He's got you nonetheless.

This belief and trust thing...It's not easy for us to grasp as humans, but it's great once we do. We'll never perfect it, we'll stumble, we'll backtrack, sometimes we may even fall down...But He'll be there. Just like He always has been. He will never lie to us.

This topic/thought is on my heart for a reason. I have to go to the doctor today. I hate going to the doctor...Well at least this doctor. I won't go into detail, but I have to have some tests done and I get a bit scared about it. I thought I was going to have to go alone, well I still am, but now my "brotherly type", Dover, is going to be in the area, so I'm meeting him afterwards. Which gives me a sense of relief and shows how cool God is that Dover was by chance going to be in that area.

I just hate how doctors and everyone else feel like they need to tell you what is going to happen. They need to have an answer, then 2 months down the road, oops! it was the wrong answer. I've had you on the wrong medicine. "No worries though Miss Babcock, we've got the right stuff this time. You'll be feeling better in no time." Yeah right. Number one, don't be afraid to tell me that my body is a freak and you don't have the exact answer, I'd prefer that over the wrong one. Number two, don't make promises you can't keep. You don't know if I'll feel better, so just say, "I hope you will..." Geez, we humans are complex. I wonder when we will all start thinking like Greg Boyd, I hope it is soon. At any rate, I would appreciate any and all prayers...My apt. is at 10:00 AM and as much as I do trust God...I still hate the doctor. I mean she's a nice lady, I just don't really feel like she's someone I'd like to spend my time with. Have a great day folks!

And we danced anyway...

I have a heavy heart this morning. Wish I could say I didn't, but I do. I guess I just have a lot on my mind. I have anxiety/panic disorder...It's not as bad as it sounds...It just means I worry...a lot. It also means that on a bad day, the littlest thing can send me into a panic attack...Tears, hyperventilating, irrationality...I don't like that I have this, but I've learned to deal with it through two things. First being drugs...Haha...No I'm not an addict of any kind, but I do have some wonderful anxiety medicine...It's a gift from the other thing that helps me deal with my disorder--GOD. He is amazing and is the lake upon which I cast all my burdens. One after another after another.

Woke up abruptly this morning. I was supposed to drive my roommate to the airport at 4 AM. I'm a very light sleeper, she is not...We both stayed up late. Sidenote: We blame it on boys. At any rate, she was supposed to wake me up 15 minutes before she wanted to leave. Suddenly I hear my door fly open...No words or anything, she knew I'd jump up. Then she says, "It's 5 AM, I overslept." Frantically she is throwing clothes in a suitcase, I'm hauling luggage out to the car and we are off. Dashing through the rain, driving less than safe...I say a quick prayer aloud, "Dear God, let Janessa get to the airport on time. Amen." I believe in keeping it simple, I get her to the airport with a half hour to spare before her flight leaves.

Driving back home, I am just cranky. Usually music can soothe my soul, but nothing was helping. I got sick to my stomach lastnight at about 1 AM, was still sick this morning, had a lot of pain and it was only 5:30 AM. Great. I take a half of an anxiety pill (I only take halves, otherwise they knock me out like I'm stoned) and just kind of ask God to help me through this day. I can't help but think that it's a good thing my roommate and my boyfriend are gone for four days so they don't have to deal with my moodiness. I can just tell it's gonna be one of those weeks.

I go home...Turn on the teapot and accept the realization that I just need some Bethany & Jesus time. Screw showering for today...I'd rather spend the next hour with The Father. I start a new devo. book by Max Lucado...It's on the book of James (FYI: James 1:2-3 is part of my tattoo & close to my heart). It was great...He used two versions of James 1:1-11 that I hadn't heard before. Then I referenced the other passages Max added at the end. I love spending time in the Word and I just don't do it often enough. Slowly my soul calms. I haven't written in my journal for awhile, I wrote this morning. Not a long message, but a bit of a "thank you" to God. As I close my journal, I stare at the cover, it has Psalm 23 on the front. I just love to recite it.

PSALM 23:
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures,
He leadeth me beside quiet waters,
He restoreth my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I shall fear no evil,
For Thou art with me. Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table for me in the presence of my enemies.
Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over
Surely goodness and mercy
will follow me all the days of my life,
I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Sigh. God is so great. Even though I'm having a rough week, we're going to dance anyway.
Lyrics: http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/carter-deana/we-danced-anyway-5317.html

Lord, please help me to never forget that my cup runneth over daily. No matter what struggles I face, how stressed or scared I am; You are with me. You never cease to amaze me with you unfailing love and utter mercy. Help me to shed all other concerns and be preoccupied today with how I can serve You. Be with me today Father and be with those who are on my heart, who need Your love today. Help me to support them and encourage them in whatever way You see fit. Help me to love them and everyone as much as You love me. You truly are an amazing God. Amen.

Brown Eyed Girl...

Made a new friend yesterday. As usual, I don't know his name. I never mind not knowing people's names...I have a really good memory, except when it comes to names, so I feel better never knowing in the first place than having been told and forgetting it. Here's how the situation happened:

I was kinda crabby yesterday. Feeling numb. Just blah to say the least. Had a meeting downtown (I hate going downtown) and traffic was being stupid on the way back to Uptown. Of course I was almost out of gas and trying to get to a gas station. So I exit Hwy. 7. Realizing I need to be in a better mood I do the silly girl thing and go to my text message inbox to read a text I'd received earlier that day. It was from someone who is quite close to my heart and I knew it would change my disposition at least a little bit. So, I read it as I pull in to Marathon (Now I would normally go to Holiday b/c their gas is better for the environment, but Marathon was 4 cents cheaper--Sorry Mother Nature). At the pump kitty corner to me was a Jewish man--probably a rabbi since he was all done up--he looked at me and smiled. I smiled back. Then, he wouldn't stop looking at me. For a moment I wondered if maybe he was a creepy man...Then I thought -- NAH -- and looked back and smiled at him again as I began to pump my gas.

Then he came halfway over to me. I don't think I'll forget what he said..."Are you having a good day?" I thought about it for a second--even though I was crabby, I really hadn't had a bad day. "Yes, I am...Every day is a good day," I replied. He smiled even bigger..."What happened today that you are so happy?" Wow. My reply, "I got a message from a friend..." He didn't quite catch what I meant, so I explained it. Then he said, "Ah, I could see it in your eyes. You were so happy in your eyes." He went inside to pay for his gas.

He came back out and I walked halfway to him this time. I said, "Are you having a good day?" "Yes I am, everyday is a good day," the man replied. "It was really great to chat with you...I hope the rest of your day is great," I tell the man. "Thank you, you too," he says.

A small interaction that changed an entire day. I think about all the hate there is in our world. All the conflict there is about religion, politics, money, etc. Then, I thank God that I had the opportunity to meet a Jewish man who brightened my day. I thank God for the man smoking a cigarette outside of Famous Daves lastnight who looked like Santa, except I've never seen Santa smoke...He even had a red sweatshirt on. I thank God that I was raised Lutheran, but I went to a Baptist College and attend a Presbyterian Church. I thank God for people like my dad who can stand up and say, "Any church is better than no church," despite the fact that he was raised very strict Lutheran and my grandmother hates the fact that I don't attend a Lutheran church.

I think God smiles on the fact that I don't fear meeting others who are different than me. In fact I love doing just that...Embracing the differences that are here among us...I think He probably looks down on me at those moments and says, "You're My brown eyed girl."

Dear God help us to see one another as nothing more than Your beloved children. Help us to appreciate the differences in one another and to love one another first and foremost. It is then and only then that we will be able to love as You have loved. Amen.

Walk Tall

I saw something in Chicago. I was crossing Michigan Ave. and it was crazy busy. I look up as I am crossing the street to see Jesus walking towards me. A man, perhaps hispanic, was dressed head to toe like Jesus. He was carrying a cross on his back. He said not one word to anyone just looked ahead as though to say, "This is my mission. This is what I shall do."

I would like to say that I got to stop and talk with this man, but I didn't. We were in the middle of the intersection and cars were honking at me.

A couple things stuck out in my mind though. The first being that I was the only person on the street that cared to really stop and take notice of this. Apparently no one else found it out of the ordinary. I would pose the question of why. This happened 3 days ago and I still can't get it out of my mind, why were so many people immune to it? The second thought was on why the man was doing this? What would cause him to pick up his cross and bare it (literally) for the world to see? So, I'm curious...What are your thoughts?

Lyrics: http://www.lyricalcontent.com/htmlit.php?q=2128

Dear Jesus, please help me to walk a little taller for You today. Amen.

Friends in Low Places...

Yes, we sang that song at church lastnight. Not too often that you are singing about whiskey and beer in church. As I type that I think about what Stefan said lastnight. "There aren't really any worship songs about friends...". At first I thought for sure he was right....Then I started thinking, "What defines a worship song?" The song? Or who it is being sang to? I would vote for the second.

I'm known for turning "secular songs" into my own personal worship song to God. I think there are so many songs that are not intended to be "worship songs", but carry such a strong message that I think God would love to hear them. One song that comes to mind is "Wave on Wave" by Pat Green. Here are the lyrics: http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Wave-On-Wave-lyrics-Pat-Green/8464122A653F095F48256D430006AC49

I just think that our Maker is so pleased with us, so proud of us, so full of love and joy for us that singing any song to Him warms His heart. Back to the story...We sang and talked about friends lastnight at church. It was such an amazing evening. People sharing their experiences with friends and so many people with their arms around each other. I looked around and couldn't help but smile and dance because of all the love I saw in the room.

I am blessed to be able to work with the youth at church. A couple of my students have gone out of their way to become a part of my life. One of which is my friend Kelsey. I introduce her to people as my friend, not my student, I think that is important. She is an eleventh grader and she has one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen. She brings joy to my soul. Some may consider it weird that I call someone who is 7 years younger than me my friend, but she is. I think our friendship shows the power of Jesus. The ability to look beyond one another externally and to look at the soul of a person. She didn't want to sit with me at church--b/c she felt like she was sitting with "old people." I'm only 23--Are you kidding me!? It was great to have her there. We laughed, danced and sang and I don't know if I would've wanted to share that evening with anyone else.

I realize my mind is all over the place right now. I'm ok with that and I hope you are too. Here are the answers for my quiz:

1. 8 batteries...Equals 1 landfill per year.
2. 24% of the world's energy.
3. He doesn't have a middle name.
4. 48-Hunter, 57-Santana, 7-Mauer
5. "The mission of the March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects and infant mortality."

Have a great day.

SO SO LONG...

"Good news...I saw a dog today. Have you seen a dog? You probably have..." [ELF]

Going on a little roadtrip to Chicago tomorrow...So I felt the urge to write one more time today. Actually, just had a lot on my mind. Shocking, I know.

So so long, on DB's new album: Modern Day Drifter--Ethan, you NEED to get this song, it's great. Anyway, I've been playing it over and over. Here's my struggle for the day...The ex keeps calling. Ever since he had this near-death experience, he's convinced that we actually have something. Now you should know that I was convinced we had something for 4 1/2 years and it's only been in the past 3 months that he has come to this conclusion. Before that I was his on/off gf of convenience...He loved to be loved, but could never show it in return. We've been done AND DONE since Thanksgiving. So, he's been calling.

Saturday he made me cry b/c he likes to tell me that I'm the bad person in all of this; that I have walls up when it comes to him and I won't let him in anymore. He's right. I don't want to let him in anymore. I've been trying to just be his friend, he won't let it rest at that. Dover describes it as a "toxic friendship" and tells me I need to guard myself. Everyone else seems to agree with Dover. He's right, Jake is toxic to me. He never makes me happy, or feel good about myself, or even want to talk to him...but I know that most days--with the exception of Saturday and lastnight--I do that for him.

"I'm tired." That's what I said on Saturday. I'm tired of loving and being hurt. I'm tired of being the support system. I'm tired of crying. He couldn't comprehend this. I don't know that I have comprehended it either. Here is the dilemma. Jesus never turned his back--on anyone--he was persecuted, yelled at, made a fool and hurt so badly, yet he loved. So, who am I to turn my back on Jake? I don't love him anymore. I never want to date him, kiss him or even spend time with him again. I still pray for him everyday (he's not a Christian) and I want the best for him, which is love, but I need him to let me go. Where does one draw the line and say, "I can't try to be like Jesus anymore..." Does one ever draw that line? I haven't come to that conclusion with this situation yet...I'd love to hear your thoughts though.

Here are other random things on my mind.

• It is frickin' cold outside! BRRR! Yet I can't stop running outside just to get a few raindrops on my face. I love the rain!
• I paid $20 for a car wash last week, now I am going through every puddle I see and squeeling like a child as I do so...My car is filthy.
• I went home for lunch, but swung through Eddingtons drive-thru on the way for some soup. As I pulled up I said, "Please let there be chain gang chili. God please." And there was.
• The more it rains, the more I wish I was out in a boat fishing. I love to fish in the rain.
• My "little brother", Mitch, is graduating from HS. I got him an Elmo card...I'm still laughing about it, he'll call me a dork, but it's worth it.
• Anita, my friend at work, and I stop dead in our tracks whenever we pass each other in the hall, or walk by each other's office and do "karate man" poses.

My point? There isn't one...Isn't it amazing how the simplest things in life can bring so much joy to your heart?

I decided I wanted to do a quiz. Yep, I'm a copy cat. Only 5 questions though:

1. How many batteries does the average American go through per year?
2. The US is 5% of the worlds population, yet we use how much of its energy?
3. What is Dierks Bentley's middle name?
4. Who is #7, #57 & #48 on the MN Twins?
5. What is the mission statement of the March of Dimes?

Random? Yes. I'm just in that mood though, so hang with me. Have a great weekend folks!

Love Song.

Reading a book..."The 5 Love Languages for Singles..." Here's why I chose it, rather than the normal "5 Love Languages", it doesn't constrain love to just the boyfriend/girlfriend, man/woman, "typical" love relationship. It challenges to bring love into every aspect of life. Co-workers, friends, family, everywhere...

Whereas I do think Dr. Chapman could have said what he needed to say in about half as many pages, I wanted to share a concept with you that I love of his. Dr. Chapman talks about obsessive love and convenant love. I like what he says about covenant love. Here it is, he says,

"Covenant love is concious love. It is intentional love. It is a
commitment to love no matter what. It requires thought and action."

He goes on to add this,

"Remember, love is an attitude which wishes what is good upon the other person."

Now, I don't think Dr. Chapman has discovered anything revolutionary, I simply think he was just wise enough to write it down. However, I love his idea of covenant love. I think it describes Jesus' love for us perfectly.

So, I was just thinking...How awesome would this world be if we could all posses covenant love? Towards those we know, don't know, like, dislike...I think it would be remarkable. I think people wouldn't know what to do. I think a lot more people would see Jesus. That song, "Just to be with You..." has been in my head for almost 2 days now. I listened to it on my way to work this morning and this line struck me, "And I know that you don't realize, how much I gave you. But I promise, I would do it all again." (Oh yeah, I figured it out...Third Day-Offerings-Love Song.) Convenant love my friends, covenant love.

God, thank you for the gift of love. Thank you for Your example of love. Thank you for Your commitment to loving us. Help us to realize just how loved we truly are. Help us to then share that love with all we encounter.

Green Eyes...

Yeah, I know I have brown...That's not the point. I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I need to catch up on my rest, so I am using a sick day. Yet, I'm at my office at 12:04 AM, to use the internet to write down a series...a long series...of thoughts.

The song "Cowboy in Me" by Tim McGraw has been stuck in my head. Here are the lyrics: http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/mcgraw-tim/cowboy-in-me-7064.html
Read the lyrics before you read on....As I drove here I was sure that would be the title of my post. That's how I've felt lately...Like I just can't shrug "the cowboy in me". I gamble with my life, I act as though I have nothing to lose. I have selfishly taken what God has given me and frankly thrown it back in His face as to say, "It's not good enough." I've mentioned this before, but I struggle everyday. Everyday I fight to not hate myself. To be pleased when I look in the mirror. To win this stupid battle. I like to pretend it's all about looking thin. Granted, that may be a part of it...but tonight, someone challenged me to look deeper. Someone asked me to ask myself, "Why?"

There are a lot of answers to that question probably. Several deep reasons. This is the one I want to talk about tonight. Control. I struggle with control. It overflows into all areas of life. I'm good at my job because I have to be in control. In this chaotic world, whether I eat or not is one thing I can control. This control factor means I can decide what pant size I wear, I can cause people to worry if I don't eat, I can convince myself that I am disciplined. As I type these things down, I realize how stupid they are.

I think my other huge factor in this is that I have a fear of being unloveable. I'm adopted and have always known that I was adopted. However, when I turned 18 the harsh reality set in that in order for me to be adopted that meant someone gave me up. Someone didn't want me. They haven't found me. They abandoned me. They still aren't looking. They still don't love me, they still don't want me, they still aren't proud of me. Wow, reading that, do you think those things factor in to my current life? I'm starting to realize just how much they do.

I listened to a Christian song on the way over here tonight. Don't know who its by or the actual title of it...it got me thinking though. "Just to be with you..." It's a song that basically describes everything Jesus has done just to be near to us. Just to support and love and sacrifice and let us know that HE IS SO REAL. Then it just clicked. What does it matter? Am I going to continue to live my life so that I can be disappointed? Or so that I can feel abandoned? Bethany, open your eyes and realize that there is someone who gave up everything, His life, just to be with you. And He would do it all over again. That's the beauty of it. There's no end. There's no life cycle to His love. It is constant and whole and pure and comforting. In "Cowboy in Me" he says, "Girl I know there's times you must have thought, there ain't a line you've drawn I haven't crossed. But you set your mind to see this love on through, I guess that's just the cowboy in you." Change the word "girl" to "God" and it explains how I feel at this moment.

I have challenged Christ, I have ignored Christ, I have blatantly disobeyed Christ, but through it all He has shown me love. Someone said to me that I should stop seeing me in the mirror and start seeing Jesus. Yada yada...kinda went in one ear and out the other, 'cuz it's easier said than done. Then I walked down to my basement and was shutting off my lights. I walked past the mirror that I always try to avoid, reached out shut off the light, but immediately had to turn it back on. I had seen my reflection. It didn't look like me though, so I walked back to the mirror and looked and by golly it was me...but it was so different. I didn't necessarily see Jesus when I looked in the mirror...And I didn't see a young woman who's struggling either...I looked and tears came to my eyes...I began to weep...I saw someone who was loved. Whether I looked chubby or not, whether I was in control or not, it all just melted away and God revealed to me something that I had perhaps neglected a bit. I am strong and I am loved and it is all in Him that I am these things. I don't know how long I've been denying myself that simple comfort. Funny, today's scripture is Phil. 4:11-13. And yes, "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me."

Thank you Jesus.

No one may understand why I called this entry green eyes...that's ok too.

Let it be...

I don't have much insight today. I think that is ok, maybe God thinks my mind could use a break. I've been struggling lately. Sunday I was at the point of throwing in the towel. I said, "God I just can't fight this thing anymore, I am worn out." Just when I hit that point, God sets his hand on my cheek, turns my head, asks me to open my eyes and says, "Look..."

Ah, there they are...the many blessings I am surrounded with. God is great. I tell you the people He has placed next to me on this journey are amazing. I cannot begin to express how grateful I am for the abundant support I have received since Sunday. My friends are amazing. So thanks to those of you who have blessed my life by just taking the time to be with me, whether we sit and chat, walk the lake or eat breakfast...Jesus is in each of you and each of you is in my heart, which makes me double blessed.

18 When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love,O LORD,
supported me. 19 When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. [Psalm 93]

Lastnight my friend Shannon said to me, "If it ever crosses your mind to give up again, call me." There is no hesitation in her voice, no "call me if it's not late at night", there is nothing but love in her words. Another friend of mine said on Sunday, "He loves you just the way you are...And I'm going to keep telling you that because you need to hear it." I don't think I'll forget those words anytime soon. Other friends make lunch appointments and breakfast appointments and are a lighthouse in my storm. The above verse reminds me of how faithful God is. It also makes me believe one of my favorite friendship quotes even more, "Friends are God's way of taking care of us."

Lord thank you for your diligence. Thank you for blessing me with others who can love me the way you love me. Thank you for those who make my world a better place just by being in it and thank you that I can recognize my many blessings even in times of trial. You truly are an amazing God.

Let Her Cry...

I woke up yesterday morning, got dressed, reached into my pocket and found a dollar. I don't carry cash on me. I thought about putting the dollar in my billfold, but then something told me not to. Something told me that someone was going to need that dollar.

About an hour later, I exit off the freeway onto Penn. I get stopped at a red light. Standing almost next to me is a homeless man in a Kool 108 shirt. He has a sign, "Homeless, please help." Without hesitation I reach into my pocket, pull out the dollar and roll down my window. He is cautious of me, but finally approaches, grabs the dollar and says, "Thank you ma'am, God bless you." It warmed my heart.

As the morning progresses I see more sadness everywhere, children crying at the thrift store b/c their parents can't afford to buy them toys. I go to another thrift store only to see a woman with downs syndrome out shopping with what appears to be her group home. The woman is crying...and crying...and crying. No one stops to comfort her. They have her sign her check and she goes to wait for them to leave. Only to sit there alone and cry some more. I wanted her to look up at me, I wanted to give her an assuring smile, let her know she is loved, but I didn't get the chance. She just cried and I just can't forget the hurt I felt for her.

The afternoon was the opposite. I biked around the lakes and saw families laughing, children playing, rollerskate man dancing to his own beat. It was great. So, I've been thinking...How powerful is our God. That's a statement, not a question.

I saw a glimpse of the suffering here on earth. God witnesses ALL the suffering, everyday. Yet He never falters, He never backs away, He never even considers turning His head away. Rather he embraces it. He loves the hurting and rejoices with the happy. He carries us when we are too weak to walk and He dances with us when we are strong.

If we allow ourselves to pour our hearts out to Him, to make ourselves vulnerable and to hold back nothing until we no longer see even a glimmer of ourselves, we will no longer see this chaos we call life, but rather look at one another and see Jesus. See Jesus in the pain and see Jesus in the joy.

Lord strip away my barriers. Let me see nothing but You and serve no one but You. Help me to be completely and utterly who You intended for me to be. Nothing more, nothing less.

Who's that girl????

It's a song by Madonna for those of you who don't recognize it...Yes, I am going to use a song title for every posting...There is a rhyme to my reason and a method to my madness, however you will not find it out today.

I had a good, long discussion last night with a friend. Discussion doesn't necessarily describe it, it was more of a series of questions, answers, thoughts and views shared between friends. It was good for me. I learned more about me last night, I really like it when this happens.

I've known that I struggle with identity issues. Most of these issues consist of me being insecure. When I think about it, I know who I am, but I am really afraid to let others know who I am. I am so afraid of rejection and being deemed unlovable, that I often feel the need to prove that I am lovable. What a ridiculous notion.

The fact of the matter is Jesus didn't die on the cross for me to sit here and worry that these jeans make me look fat or that people don't think I'm funny or any other silly idea I come up with that would be a reason for people to dislike me. He died that I may "Have life and have it to the full" [John 10:10], not be burdened by petty things of this world.

For those of you who don't know me that well, or have never heard "my story"...I've suffered from an eating disorder for 10 years now. It never goes away. It is a constant struggle and everyday battle. I've had my share of good times and bad times with it, but God has always been by my side. When I wake up in the morning, I need to ask myself, "Whom will I serve today? God or the Devil?" EVERY MORNING. I think about my weight constantly, I feel guilty when I eat, even worse when I snack....It is my greatest struggle. Not only does it cause me to be insecure and afraid in this world, it drags me far from Jesus. I despise the fact that a lot of "who I am" is wrapped up in how much I weigh or what size pants I'm wearing.

My best friend through highschool, Genevieve, had an eating disorder also. I thought mine was bad, hers was horrific. She was hospitalized constantly our jr. and sr. year and it torn my heart out. It drug her into the depths of depression and tested our friendship, but we stayed strong for each other, supported each other and loved one another. She got so small that I was afraid to hug her because she might break. She beat her problem, kicked it to the curb...not without many relapses however...Our sr. year of hs, she found this verse, that changed both of our lives and made us realize we had a problem...I've been avoiding this verse for a long time now:

18For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. 20But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body. [Phillipians 3:18-21]

My mind is on earthly things. I worry about what people think of me constantly. If I thought half as much about God during the day as I do about eating, I can't imagine how much stronger my relationship with Him would be. I want to be more like Jesus and be confident that my identity is found in one place and one place only--the Lord.

God, please help me to shed the ways of this world, the views of this world and my views of myself and others. Help me to be like You and see myself and others the way You see us--as Your beloved children, nothing more, nothing less.

Baby got back...

There have been two issues on my heart this week. One, I mentioned before. Feeling torn about hanging out with this "newer" group of friends. They are amazing people and I see Jesus in each and every one of them. However, my concern has been that by hanging out with them, others are excluded. I was speaking with my friend Reid about this lastnight. As I know what it feels like to be on the outside of this group, I am perhaps overally cautious about spending time with them as to not allow others to feel the same way I did. I realize that was a confusing sentence, but stick with me here...My roommate and I had a good talk about it Monday night. She stated that perhaps God has me hanging out with these new friends so that there is someone aware that others feel intimidated, excluded, etc. This is not to say that the group portrays this at all...It's just like any other situation...Any other place...You have your group of friends, you don't exclude others, but you tend to hang more with your crew. So, I was torn/concerned about this b/c the last place I want people to discover feelings of inadequacy or insecurity is within our church community....

Last night when I got home, Janessa and I sat on her bed and had a good discussion. I told her how interesting I found it that now that I have hung out with this "crew" twice, people will actually talk with me, joke around with me and treat me as there friend at church functions. I said, "I find it so interesting b/c they never did before that." She pointed out the clear fact that, "You talk to who you know." Which is so correct. I mean how often do I ever try to talk to anyone that I don't know at church. Perhaps the intimidation factor works both ways. It's not an attempt to appear elite, it's simply life. I found this passage in Hebrews 10:

23Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. 25Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Loving each other has been on my heart a lot lately. God is really teaching me that we need to show love, in the little things, to everyone, at all times...Even to that person who speaks poorly of you, ridicules you or ignores you...As they walk away, say to yourself, "I love you, I love you, I love you..." It's harder than you think.

So here's the other thing that's been on my mind. "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mixalot is perhaps one of my favorite songs. I love to sing it, dance to it and bump it in the car when I am driving. Rumor has it I once got on stage in Miami and sang the song. Here's what I am getting at. I love to dance. Music is in my soul, my blood, my mind...Ask me to repeat word for word what my boss said in our meeting yesterday, I'll draw a blake. However, ask me to repeat word for word any song that I have truly enjoyed--or any country song for that matter--and I'll recite it right back to you. I am a music orientated person.

That being said, I have no problem getting out on the dance floor. In a country bar, you'll catch me line dancing in my boots. At the club, I'm out shaking my booty. I wasn't raised in such a way that there was anything wrong with dancing. My parents are great Christians and very open minded. Sometimes they even come out dancing with me. I've been dancing for as long as I can remember and I love it more than most things. I get a beat in my head and it is immediately in my body. I swerve, I sway, I shake, I am all over the place. Friday night I went out dancing with a group that I have never been dancing with before. I had a blast!

Here's what I don't get. That night I had someone comment, "I didn't know a Christian girl could dance like that." Sunday at church people were asking me if I was drunk Friday night. Some people described my moves as "promiscuous" (my word, not theirs). Some people were still coming up to me on Wednesday evening and discussing it. A few of my closer friends who were there built me up about it. "BJ, you're really a great dancer..." Yada Yada. They could tell I was frustrated with comments I had received. The point is...I don't get it. In all honesty, I feel like if I would have been out with my friends from home (Christians, but not the "Christian Community") nothing would have ever been said. Yet, I go out with this group and it's still being discussed days later. WHY? It really bugs me. Like, are we as Christians not supposed to be able to shake it? Is it innapropriate for Christians to appear have moves? Does one have to be drunk to be fearless on the dance floor? I don't think so.

Perhaps I'm making too big of a deal out of this...I probably am. I don't enjoy being a topic of discussion and I tend to be very self concious. Oh well, worse things could happen in life. At my college things like this were a huge issue on a regular basis. Even in my suite, half the roommates would get upset if we would go out dancing and have some drinks. The other half of us, had a grand time. I guess that sometimes I just have a hard time seeing this line that seems to be clear to others. I don't really see my friends from church taking notice of this line, but I do see a large amount of my college friends looking boldly at it. What line you may ask? The grey line that sometimes gets pointed out, the line that divides this Christian world and the Secular world. Where I come from, there is no such line. I really hope I never see it, because when I do begin to see that line, that's when I stop looking at everyone as my brothers and sisters in Christ and start seeing folks as Christians and Non-Christians. Maybe that's why I loved Bethel so much. I really enjoy when I can challenge viewpoints I disagree with. I especially love it when someone has no idea why they believe or think a certain way. I'm a firm believer that if I am going to believe in something, I had darn well better have done my research and be able to back up my thinking. This post will probably upset some people...That's ok b/c it means that I got them thinking.